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    He likes to be tied down.

    I'm not talking about his desire to be monogamous:  I'm talking about his desire to be handcuffed.

    Actually, I don't know this for sure-he actually may prefer to dominate-but what I do know is that the man that I am/was dating* has a bed that is girded with an under-the-bed restraint system that includes a, "set of tethers and kitten-soft cuffs.

    I made this discovery in the grayness of dawn (and of the relationship) while gathering the last article of clothing that had been haphazardly flung across the room hours before.  As I raised from my crouched position, my eyes settled upon the box-spring--exposed only because the previous night's fervent interlude had resulted in the seismic shifting of the mattress.  A black strap dangled from its edge.   

    What was that? 

    It couldn't be my bra--I had just picked it up.  As I casually surveyed the bed, I noticed another strap--this one closer to the headboard.  Curiouser and curiouser

    "What are these?" I asked him.  Without pause he replied, "restraints." 

    My heartbeat stopped.

    He proceeded to show me the remaining 2 straps while explaining how to securely fasten the cuffs around wrists and ankles.

    I was immediately intrigued and irrationally insulted.  (My neuroses are ever present).  "Why haven't you attempted to use this with me?" I asked.  He looked at me with incredulity before explaining that he felt that there was no need for gimmicks.  He reasoned that such devices should be saved for once things become a bit staid and monotonous.  We were still in the spring of our liaison and needed no artifice. 

    He had a point.  It.was.good.  And now, the fact that I had stumbled upon this unexpected kink when I thought that I had already unwrapped his desires turned me on to an even greater extent:  Although obviously hot, I hadn't thought that this conservative pretty-boy had it in him. . . It made me wonder.


    While this discovery came as a pleasant surprise, there are other sexual acts that carry so many complications and considerations that they should be revealed early for risk of forfeiture of either the deed or the partner.  For starters, and as a general rule, anything requiring the intimate involvement of other life should be revealed punctually. 

    Like threesomes. . .

    According to my own unofficial study, a great number of men would jump at the opportunity to explore and be explored by two women at the same time.**  For many, this is simply a passing fantasy that, should the opportunity fortuitously present itself, be acted upon.  But, for others, the act is so high on their sexual bucket list that without this experience, life is incomplete. 

    As a matter of strategy, he'd likely have more luck voicing this desire at the beginning of a dalliance--where the worse that could happen is that she says no, and perhaps refuses date number 4 or 5.  But the consequences of broaching this topic with seriousness within the confines of a long-term relationship are much greater.  There are bound to be both questions (i.e., am I not good/pretty/talented enough?) and stipulations (you can't make me touch her; she can't be prettier than me; you can't actually fuck her).  In fact, even if she is completely down, there are bound to be complications that arise:  How would you deal if the "third" refuses to stay in her lane and wants to drive you solo?  Could you really bear seeing someone you love getting turned out by someone else?  When you care about your partner, a ménage à trois is a Pandora's Box whose lid should only be opened when there is not much to lose.


    Conversely, there are also certain sexual maneuvers that are so extreme-or that require so much work and preparation-that they should only be introduced after every manifestation of freekdom has been exhausted.

    Like anal sex. . .

    Jack Morin, a sex therapist and researcher, authored an article entitled "10 Rules of Anal Sex."***  In this eye-opening commentary Morin shares many nuggets of wisdom.  He notes:

    When a finger, object or penis is introduced into the anus, the anal muscles go into spasm, as if fighting off an invasion.  Pain will result if partners do not wait for these muscles to relax.

    And, after explaining that two muscle rings called, "sphincters" surround the anal opening, Morin shares that:

    The internal sphincter reflects and responds to fear and anxiety during anal sex.  It will cause the anus to tense up automatically even if the passive partner is trying to relax.  Thus, precautions about safety and comfort are essential here.

    Lastly, Morin advises that because small amounts of feces may remain in the rectum, "anal douching before lovemaking will help some people especially concerned with cleanliness to relax." 

    In my view, any act that needs so many disclaimers--and that requires extensive preparation (and relaxing)-should be measures of the last resort:  Kept behind a glass case and broken into only in the case of extreme emergency (i.e. after 30 years of boring sex with the same person). It's one thing to find out that your man has handcuffs...but finding an enema in his sex drawer is a completely different matter. 


    *     Intentional "ambiguation".

    **    This is not to say that some women do not share in this fantasy; however, such topic will be reserved for a later post. 

    ***   I must admit that reading this piece made me slightly nauseous. 


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    Reader Comments (4)

    Love the blog entries.....This one is especially interesting. . . . .Just make sure he cleans them :)

    June 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterOlga

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    July 29, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterabbyabbie

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    November 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertsvjhn tsvjhn

    As for the threesome question, while I do admit that a lot of men have dilusions of two women all over him, the reality is that more than likely it is one on one while one watches. Or worse. He is not considering the possibility of him being the one left out watching!

    June 25, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterdj

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