First Round Elimination 
Monday, April 25, 2011 at 12:37PM

The bubble:  Popped.  The ball:  Deflated.

It's pouring the cereal, then discovering that there's no milk. 

It's finally falling asleep, then almost immediately being jolted awake by the alarm.

It's giving him your number-and within minutes of the first conversation, realizing that he's a loser.

I've been accused of counting men out before they've even entered the ring--a trait that, while efficient, has also contributed to me clocking in overtime with my Rabbit--so I've been making a conscious attempt to think twice before casting early fumblers aside.  Yet, although I've granted liberal allowances, in the past few months I've had to eject men from the game in the first round.  If you're a man who is playing to win, beware of prematurely broaching the following topics: 


1.  Your fraternal involvement.  Look, I totally get it.  In college, putting on your line jacket was as instantly transformative as Ray-Ray returning to the hood with a drop-top and some gold fronts.  Women gazed at your paddle and informed you that she wanted to experience your wood.  You went from being virtually ignored to having pussy galore as soon as you crossed.  Yes, I get it.  But that shat doesn't work anymore.  If one of the first words out of your mouth is a spontaneous declaration of your black Greekness, you're corny...and, you're fired.

2.  Your penis.  Unless (a) I've given you some indication that I'm on the precipice of giving up the Ill Na Na; and (b) you want to inform me that there's something wrong or odd about your third leg, I don't want to engage in a conversation about it.  I'm sure that, like a proud parent, it's difficult not to brag about your little one's unique set of gifts and talents-or to send pictures-but please resist the urge.  In an effort to be polite I may "ooh" and "aah" about how cute it is, but I'm laughing (and dry) on the inside.  Unless proven otherwise, your penis is the rule and not the exception.  If you prematurely talk about or send me a picture of your penis, you are the weakest link. 

3.  Your resume.  Meeting a man who has earned a degree or two and is making strides in his career can be a complete turn-on.  While I'm known for dating men whose work attire consists entirely of jeans and t-shirts, there's nothing more attractive than a man whose occupation requires the daily donning of a tie.  Still, on our first conversation I don't want a full recitation of your resume-and please don't send me your reel.  Your job should be one of the least interesting things about you--part of the picture, not the frame.  If it isn't, please pack your knives and go.

4.  Your tongue. Hearing about how much you like using this appendage on ladies' nether regions does not turn me on.  What it does do is lead me to believe that you're a hoe-and a desperate one at that.  Of course I'd like a man who finds pleasure in welcoming me into Nirvana (regularly and in every way possible)-but If you tell me about your general penchant for licking twat, auf wiedersehen

5.  Your one drop.  Every now and then I meet a man who seems to believe that I keep a brown-paper bag and fine-tooth comb in my purse to determine his suitability for fertilizing my eggs.  You've "got Indian in you?"  Those waves were a gift from your Irish great-great granddaddy? And you felt the need to immediately share this with me?  I suppose that everyone finds their value in something...but, I'm sorry.   You've been eliminated from the race. 


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