April 10th 
Sunday, April 10, 2011 at 9:40PM
blue

There are certain things that we aren't supposed to admit.  Feelings deeply felt when the world has fallen silent.  Feelings that prove our vulnerabilities and, just sometimes, make us ashamed of our humanity.  Often, these moments sound during life's darkest middles:  In the middle of the night.  In the middle of the storm.  But, this time, it's crept upon me in the beginning.  In spring.  In daylight.  On the first day that winter's burden was shed.

The loneliness.

But I could see it coming.  Its shadow has been lurking for awhile now.

Last week.  In Sunday's infancy when shots rant out.  As I crept down the stairs to discover that a bullet had pierced my door.  As I realized that, aside from the police, I had no one to call.

Last night.  At a concert.  Moving with the crowd, yet decidedly apart.  Determined to be content.  Steadfast in my decision to not hitch my happiness to others-yet wishing that I hadn't had to go it alone.  Again.  As usual.

 

This is not about being single.  This is not another lamentation of a black girl's fruitless search for love.

 

This is about moving to a new city before roots have sprung down.  It's about not feeling entirely connected with the young, black professionals who brunch and boule...or at home with the artsy brethren who spin and spit.  It's about sometimes going for months without being touched.

It's about April 10th. 

It's about that first miraculous day when the blueness of the sky is realized and the wind blows warmly.  When, like wearied and battered soldiers, the weathered emerge from trenches to greedily drink in the sun and frolic with friends once forgotten.  When the solitary soul wants nothing more than to join in the revelry--to be asked to pull up a chair.  To share a beer.  To go for a walk-but whose phone doesn't ring. 

This is about the professors on isolated campuses.  About those starting again in places unknown.  It's about the misfits and the loners. 

It's also about making the best out of the situation-of hoping for a connection-but living life fully in the meantime... acknowledging the susceptibility of sleeping, eating and being alone-but exposing ourselves anyway.

It's about my humanity.  It's about walking around in the vulnerability and admitting what I shouldn't.

It's about today. 

 

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