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    « Re-Memory | Main | High Tolerance »

    Blazin' Up

    Dating, for me, is a rarity. The whole concept of a man asking me out, picking me up, providing companionship for a few hours and then returning me to my doorstep has happened so infrequently that I can count their occurrences on one hand. What isn't rare, though, is my penchant for stumbling upon full-blown relationships that last for a period of only months. It's full blast from day one, but there's no leveling off; rather, the fullness of flight almost always ends in sudden crash and burn.

    While doomed to fail, these trips have always provided me with a narcotic-like high--and if Sade was correct in singing that, "it's never as good as the first time," it's no wonder that these relationships were so spectacular: Everything was a first. These romantic dalliances simultaneously provided me with both monogamy [often of the common law variety] and the euphoria of new love (or lust) without ever having to fuck with the grays of "just dating."

    I suck at "just dating" because, like in life, I have a hard time doing more than one thing (or one person) at once-so all of my honeysucklesweetness that would otherwise be spread around is concentrated on one individual. If he's the one thing that I'm doing and, therefore, has my nose open, an almost primitive desire to take care and provide comfort arises:  I'll want to fuck him, feed him and then smoke him like a blunt.  But you can't do that when you're "just dating."

    I identify with the romanticism expressed in the oft-quoted line, "it doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine." Not because of my ego, but because I believe that the decision to pursue passion/lust/love is not made through rationalization or conscious direction; rather, these emotions present themselves and, if strong enough, we are met with no other desire but to act.

    And while not evident, my disdain for "just dating" only tangentially has to do with a desire to forge a binding contract: I loathe the idea of a man's commitment arising out of a feeling of being bound.  It's simply that "just dating" requires my respect for and adherence to a set of rules that I find tiresome and that further compound my neuroticism.  Straining to construe/interpret/work/rework every word, gesture and deed (especially in a world of Facebook and Twitter--where you can see who else he has been poking, liking and commenting on in 140 characters or less), texting/flirting/kissing/touching others just to signal that there are other options (when I don't want to exercise such options) requires far too much hand-wringing and tempering of emotion.  I like the rush of yielding to passion, leaping before looking, and the risk of going down in a blaze of glory.

    And yet the crash is beginning to wear on me. I've fallen too many times to recount and, after each occurrence, vow that I'm in recovery. And I am.  (But relapse is, after all, a part of recovery).  It's a disease. 

    I know that I can't help but to jump. Repeatedly, foolishly and faithfully--hoping, but not expecting, not to fall again.


    Reader Comments (2)

    I admire your willingness and ability to continue to be open to falling and jumping in, regardless of how many times you've been hurt. As hard as that is for many of us, I, too, believe it is the best way to go because you fully enjoy and experience the "high" as it is supposed to be enjoyed. You'll never reach your destination if you are apprehensive to get on the bus. Kudos on another great piece!

    March 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterANOMYLE

    Wow. Now that was a good ride. I won't adhere to your advice, but your description of the circumstance was certainly worthy of a Zone Coaster of Writing Award or the Whirlygig Puking Prize. I prefer skydiving to high flying and fast falling relationships as oxymoronic as that might seem. Falling hurts. Stumbling has damaged one too many a toe. But I am perhaps more sensitive than most in that regards. I am a logic junkie who happens to be 3 times Cancer (rising, sun, and moon). And insomuch as I say I don't like falling, chances are that today and tomorrow, I will be in love again even if just for a relatively short while. I crush often like within minutes of each other. And if those crushes lead to even a slight conversation, a touch, a hug, then flutters can and will overtake me. Perhaps I don't hate falling as much as I thought, just the recovery and the IV bag and the hospital food that comes with it.

    April 3, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTekhen

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